Thursday, February 23, 2012
I really feel like someone or something is trying to stand in my way. I want this so bad for myself in a way I've never wanted anything. I guess that is pretty selfish. I have to find a way to push through and do it anyway. I feel like it would be so tragic to fall back on old habits, and lose all the ground I have gained.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I owe Chris a Monopoly dollar. I ate something I shouldn't. Super sweet sugary cereal. I also have to move my counter back to zero days since I had sugar. I feel kind of crummy about it. I did have a few minutes where I thought to myself that I could just keep it to myself. That I could just count the calories that I ate and not worry about it, but it felt like sticking to the letter of the law and not the spirit of it. If I am really serious about change then I am going to have to stick to the idea of being healthy. You can lose weight by eating junk if you watch your calories, but does that make you healthy. So I confess that I messed up. I will do better tomorrow, but If I don't confess it today than it will make it easier to mess up again.
Monday, January 23, 2012
I had one of those moments. You know the ones where you look in the mirror and all you want is to break it, since you feel like if life were a movie that is what would be happening anyway. You see that tummy bulging out in a way that makes you want to throw up, cry, and eat a tub of ice cream all at the same time. In a few weeks I will be singing with a small group in the St. George Tabernacle. The attire is formal dress. I looked through what I have. I have quite a few gowns that look the part. The only problem is that I don't look the part. I've grown since I last wore those dresses, and not in a maybe I can let out the hem kind of way. It's a harsh reminder of one of the many reasons I am doing this. Normally I give in, I think to myself this is just the way I am and that pigging out will at least ease this pain and stop the tears. So tonight I am blogging about it instead. Writing instead of a video, because I'm not sure I can stand the shame of crying for myself online. Well I better go to bed. I have a three year old who probably won't until I do.